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You know? this Mommy business is fucked up. Mainly because we make it up as we go, because we really have no clue what we are doing and every day we just pray we are not doing some horrible permanent damage to these poor creatures.
As I go to sleep every night, I ask myself: “Did I fuck them up more today” “will they remember that I said the “F” word?” “does he hate me yet?” “Am I going to Mommy Hell?”
So here’s the latest issue, and I don’t really know if I’m being naive, or just plain stupid.
My oldest is 11. I guess the new trend for his circle of friends is chatting through gmail. I wasn’t sure if I was “ok” with this or not. I just never thought about it, so I allowed it. My only requirement was : door open, no hiding. However, it has taken my sleep away. “what do they chat about? is it appropriate? should I allow it?” seriously, please some guidance, a sign, anything…um..please? Grandpa?…are you watching him from up there?
So here’s the parent/pre-pubert-o conversation:
- honey, I’ve been thinking that I want you to know that “if” I feel that I need to go into your computer and read your chats, I can. You are only 11 and I am concerned about what you could possibly be chatting about.
- huh? um..ok. [puzzled]
- are you ok with that?
- I guess, but I think you are being nosy.
- I’m not, I’m just concerned, this is all new to me.
- You don’t trust me. what do you think I’m doing? why don’t you trust me? what I chat about is personal, why do you want to read it? It’s just about who I might (cute key word “might”) like or who my friends like, and if you read it it’s like me telling you their secrets.
- Ok. I see your point.
Then he says:
- can I “star” those chats that I think are personal and you won’t go in that folder? promise?
So I agreed.
Funny, but even after this I still feel it’s a violation of his privacy going in and reading his stuff, and in the back of my mind, I think that if he wants to hide it he will, and that I’m actually promoting sneaky-ness. So I don’t sleep. Flashbacks to my own puberty. [wake up in a cold sweat]
This morning, I run into who I believe to be the god-of-all-gods in Children’s Development and social issues at his school, so I corner him, followed by what I diagnose as diarrhoea of the mouth with this issue ( It looks like this:)
blahh blahh blahh chat…read blah blah privacy…bla blah blah..omg…what am i doing?
blah blah blah chat chat…gmail. my baby..oh no! blahh blahh blahh
he calmly (as it is always his demeanor) says to me:
“let me ask you this: If he was with his friend on a playdate, would you listen in on his conversation?”
really a “no brainer” I say:
- of course not.
he then smiled as if to say “there is your answer”
So tonight I decided, I’m not going to go in and read his stuff. I told him and he was relieved. I also said that I hope he can talk to me about anything if it ever becomes uncomfortable, he agreed, and then we talked about how feelings can get hurt easier online because you are not “face to face” with the person and finally that he needs to be aware that before he types anything at all and pushes send to ask himself the following questions: “will I be comfortable with someone’s parent reading this and knowing that I sent it? Is it right? could it hurt anyone?”… and with that, a kiss on the forehead, a hug and all my fingers crossed.
stupid? naive? both?
maybe, but I have to believe that trust starts with trust. We try to guide them but need to foster some kind of independence. I truly believe that in my heart, I hope it doesn’t come to bite me in the ass.
*signing up for medication to take me trough my kids’ middle school experience…sigh.*
6 Responses to "Do I have the golden key to Mommy Hell?"
Great post. Really. You are not naive. But…it IS just beginning. It sounds like you’ve done a great job keeping the line of communication open – and that’s key. As long as you have that, personally I think you’re golden. It’s the hardest part. Because they eventually act like they don’t want to have anything to do with you (even though deep down they know they need you more than ever!)
Yes, they will still hide stuff from you (didn’t you, from your parents?) You just have to have faith you’ve taught them well and right from wrong, and that they will still come to you for the really important stuff.
Sorry so long-winded. I think you know, we’ve gone through (are still going through!) all this. It’s a work in progress. As long as they know you love them, you haven’t fucked them up. Good luck!
maite, i have been there for awhile and have handled it differently at times.
the deal i made with jake ( who is 14 now, 12 when we allowed msn and xbox360chatting, 13 for facebook, 14 for cell phone and texting) was that i would have all passwords and access to his accounts. i never said that i would use them, just that i had access in case i felt that i needed to.
in the two years he has been on, i have never gone in to his chats. looking over his shoulder though, i once found him swearing ( shit ) in a convo and made a big deal about it…made him apologize, say his mom busted him and then explained to him my issue was that girl’s parent reading his words and thinking badly of him ( that affects him ). i am one of those parents who blindly believe they have a good relationship with their child;) and that he would come to me if he was dealing – or one of his friends was dealing – with something to big for him. which he has done. brought about by chatting. so it is working for us.
i do watch carefully. i am a friend on his facebook, as is one of his close girlfriends. between the two of them? frig, i know everything going on in their whole highschool,lol. teens TALK incessantly- the info is there if you need it.
you are good to be concerned, many parents aren’t. let him know you are there, well versed and ready to step in if it gets to much for him. and then have a drink;) and hope to god he is not reading your facebook and emails;))
Dearest Maite,
I´ve known you for 34 years (ooops sounds horrible) and I know you are doing a great job and that we have the inmense fortune that our children are completely opposite to what we were as teens.
As long as you are concerned, open to communication and loving, your kids will be fine. They are great kids.
love you!!
Well Evy, since you knew me through puberty, you know exactly why I am worried! haha
Thanks for that… I agree with the outcome and the decision to back away a bit, but having the talk. It’s good advice for those of us who haven’t gotten there yet, but will soon enough.
I love you’re bluntness.
I thought it was tough going when they were littlies, but now No 1 girlie is 11 OMG Have to start allowing them a little bit of independence, without giving them enough rope to hang themselves. So very bloody difficult at times.
We are starting with hormones too!!